Lennon's killer denied parole for 7th time in NY

Lennon's killer denied parole for 7th time in NY — John Lennon's killer was denied release from prison in his seventh appearance before a parole board, New York corrections officials said Thursday.

Mark David Chapman, 57, was denied parole by a three-member board after a hearing Wednesday, the state Department of Corrections said. The transcript of his latest hearing wasn't immediately released.

Chapman can try again for parole in two years.

Chapman shot Lennon in December 1980 outside the Manhattan apartment building where the former Beatle lived. He was sentenced in 1981 to 20 years to life in prison after pleading guilty to second-degree murder. The musician, singer and songwriter was 40.

"Despite your positive efforts while incarcerated, your release at this time would greatly undermine respect for the law and tend to trivialize the tragic loss of life which you caused as a result of this heinous, unprovoked, violent, cold and calculated crime," board member Sally Thompson wrote. Board members Joseph Crangle and Marc Coppola agreed.

The panel praised Chapman's conduct and accomplishments but said "parole shall not be granted for good conduct and program completions alone." The board noted there was significant opposition to his release.

   

 FILE - In this 1975 file photo, Mark David Chapman is seen at Fort Chaffee near Fort Smith, Ark. New York corrections officials say Chapman, 57, John Lennon's killer, was denied release from prison in his seventh appearance before the state Department of Corrections three-member board after a hearing Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2012. (AP Photo/Greg Lyuan, File)

Chapman was transferred in May from the Attica Correctional Facility in western New York to the nearby Wende Correctional Facility. Both are maximum security. The prison system doesn't disclose why inmates are transferred.

At his previous hearing in 2010, Chapman recalled that he had considered shooting Johnny Carson or Elizabeth Taylor instead, and said again that he chose Lennon because the ex-Beatle was more accessible, that his century-old Upper West Side apartment building by Central Park "wasn't quite as cloistered." Chapman fired five shots outside the Dakota apartment house on Dec. 8, 1980, hitting Lennon four times in front of his wife, Yoko Ono, and others.

The former security guard from Hawaii said that his motivation was instant notoriety but that he later realized he made a horrible decision for selfish reasons.

"I felt that by killing John Lennon I would become somebody and instead of that I became a murderer and murderers are not somebodies," Chapman told the board two years ago.

Ono, 79, had said two years ago that she was trying to be "practical" in asking that her husband's killer remain behind bars. She said Chapman might be a danger to her, other family members and perhaps even himself.

In a 1992 interview at Attica, Chapman told Barbara Walters that it was dark when he shot Lennon in the back with a .38-caliber revolver after he exited a limousine, headed up the walkway to his apartment building and looked at Chapman. "I heard this voice — not an audible voice, an inaudible voice — saying over and over, 'Do it, do it, do it,'" Chapman said. He explained, "I thought that by killing him I would acquire his fame."He has been in protective custody with a good disciplinary record, according to corrections officials ( Associated Press )

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Six steps to rev up your marriage

Simple tips like getting enough sleep and exercise can help your sex life

Six steps to rev up your marriage -- Surprise! Even celebrities don't have the kind of hot movie sex that seems to set our standard for passion these days.

In real life, "there is no normal barometer for sexual activity," says Jan Shifren, M.D., an assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School, in Boston. "It's only when you feel distressed about it that you have a problem."

If your sex life is troubling you, the following solutions could help.

Get your z's

Snoring away and having passionate sex may seem like exact opposites, but experts insist that getting enough sleep is the number-one aphrodisiac. "It's important to feel rested, even if that means changing your schedule to include intimacy and fun at other times of the day," says Suki Hanfling, a certified sex therapist and the founder and director of the Institute for Sexuality and Intimacy, in Belmont, Mass.

Exercise

A good workout pumps up dopamine and, through a domino effect, may boost levels of testosterone, a hormone that can enhance libido, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of the book Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.

Hitting the gym can also make you feel sexier and more confident in bed, adds Sallie Foley, a senior clinical social worker in the Sexual Health Counseling Services at the University of Michigan Medical Center in Ann Arbor, as well as co-author of the book Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self.

Go shopping

Spend a little "mad" money on yourself, says Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D., a professor of psychiatry and obstetrics and gynecology and the director of the Center for Sexual and Relationship Health at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, in New Jersey. "Take the time to discover what turns you on, from silky-smooth satin pajamas to a Victorian bustier," she says.

If you're into it, women-friendly erotica can help get you in the mood. Vibrators are a solid choice, too, Leiblum says, because they allow you to explore your sexuality in private. They also help maintain the elasticity of the vaginal walls, which becomes important as women age.

See your doctor

She can help determine the origin of your problem. If you're experiencing pain during intercourse, for instance, this could indicate a medical condition or a drop in estrogen levels, which naturally decline with aging, Dr. Shifren says. Your doctor may also recommend a qualified relationship counselor or sex therapist for you to talk to. (Or you can visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists to find a therapist yourself).

Check your medicine cabinet

Common antidepressants like Prozac and Paxil may lift your mood, but they can kill your sex drive. Certain prescription painkillers, antianxiety medications, and even laxatives can also zap your libido.

Someday, that will change, says Leiblum, who is also the author of Getting the Sex You Want: A Woman's Guide to Becoming Pleased, Proud, and Passionate in Bed. She predicts that in the next decade we will have "clean drugs" that don't interfere with one's sex drive.

Until then, take heart: Even if your doctor recommends that you continue your current medication, you can still enjoy sex. You'll just need more time and stimulation to become aroused and achieve orgasm, Hanfling says.

Take your time

You've heard it before, but it's worth saying again: Be patient with your partner and yourself as you work to make things better. "Sex is like cooking," Hanfling says. "The end result can be delicious, but it's important to savor the steps along the way." (Health.com)

READ MORE - Six steps to rev up your marriage

Why Denying Death Means Denying Life

Why Denying Death Means Denying Life - Psychologists, psychiatrists and anthropologists, including Sigmund Freud, Otto Rank and Ernest Becker, have all identified our underlying, unconscious fear of death as the underlying force determining much of the way we live. The desire to deny the reality of death, the theory goes, makes us want to find a way to “live on,” whether through our children, or by attaching ourselves to causes that will not be buried along with us.

The denial of death, however, also can be understood as distancing us from the moment-to-moment importance of being vibrantly mortal—of really feeling things, really loving others and showing it, really seeing the world around us and really speaking our minds with courage and acting on our core beliefs.

I think we should do everything we can to defeat the denial of death, because it is only when we feel how exquisitely mortal we really are that we can hope to live as fully as we might.

I was partly stripped of my denial by going to medical school. I saw lots of very young people get very ominous diagnoses, completely out of the blue. I saw people brought to the ER, who had seemed to be in perfectly good health, who collapsed and died playing a game of football, or jogging or shopping for groceries. And I often wondered whether they had done anything at all in the last month that they would have wanted to do, for sure, if they had known it would be their last month.

Right about now, you might be tempted to click to another page of FoxNews.com. The denial of death is a formidable force. Don’t give in. Stick with me, here.

What if you did not one, but three things, in the next three weeks that you would want to do, for sure, if you knew you were going to die at the end of those three weeks? I’m not talking about trips to Bali, necessarily.

Who would you want to tell that you loved them—and why? To whom would you want to apologize? To whom would you want to send a gift, just to make them smile, or so that they would know that you know what makes them tick? To whom would you want to tell a gut-wrenching truth? Whose ideas would you want to support in writing and whose would you want to oppose? What would you tell your child to change her life? Which charity would you want to send a donation to? What habit would you want to conquer, not because you were going to prove you couldn’t smoke or drink or gamble for the rest of your life, but for the last three weeks of your life?

If you do just three things in the next three weeks that you would do, for sure, if you knew you were going to die, you will improve your life. You won’t necessarily be in a new job. You won’t necessarily be in a new relationship. But you will be different.

If you do this three times—my own 9 plan (three times three)—you will be on the way not so much to actually remaking your life, as to truly living your life.

From my perspective, keeping death as part of your conscious thoughts, rather than burying it in your unconscious mind, actually makes you braver, not more fearful.

I have a favorite saying that I came up with after I had my first child. I say it to myself whenever I feel vulnerable or threatened. It’s simple and it’s grounding. I tell myself, “He’s not a pediatrician.”

See, I also completed a pediatrics rotation in medical school. And I saw kids get those same terrible diagnoses. And once you actually recognize that an anonymous illness can visit a child of yours at any moment, you end up fearing other things a lot less. You can be my employer with bad news or my business partner with bad news or someone who hates my ideas and wishes I didn’t exist, but if you aren’t a pediatrician, I don’t sweat you.

Think about my 9 plan—three things in three weeks, times three. Simple things. Letters, calls, visits, words. Your life could change by keeping your death very much in mind.

As Ernest Becker said, “To live fully is to live with an awareness of the rumble of terror that underlies everything.” ( foxnews.com )

READ MORE - Why Denying Death Means Denying Life

Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health ( 2 )

Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health - 'Explanatory Style' Explained

‘Explanatory style’ or ‘attributional style’ refers to how people explain the events of their lives. There are three facets of how people can explain a situation. This can influence whether they lean toward being optimists or pessimists:

Stable vs. Unstable:
Can time change things, or do things stay the same regardless of time?

Global vs. Local:
Is a situation a reflection of just one part of your life, or your life as a whole?

Internal vs. External:
Do you feel events are caused by you or by an outside force?

Realists see things relatively clearly, but most of us aren’t realists. Most of us, to a degree, attribute the events in our lives optimistically or pessimistically. The pattern looks like this:

Optimism can be learned, even from a young age

Optimists

Optimists explain positive events as having happened because of them (internal). They also see them as evidence that more positive things will happen in the future (stable), and in other areas of their lives (global). Conversely, they see negative events as not being their fault (external). They also see them as being flukes (isolated) that have nothing to do with other areas of their lives or future events (local).

For example, if an optimist gets a promotion, she will likely believe it’s because she’s good at her job and will receive more benefits and promotion in the future. If she’s passed over for the promotion, it’s likely because she was having an off-month because of extenuating circumstances, but will do better in the future.


Pessimists

Pessimists think in the opposite way. They believe that negative events are caused by them (internal). They believe that one mistake means more will come (stable), and mistakes in other areas of life are inevitable (global), because they are the cause. They see positive events as flukes (local) that are caused by things outside their control (external) and probably won’t happen again (unstable).

A pessimist would see a promotion as a lucky event that probably won’t happen again, and may even worry that she’ll now be under more scrutiny. Being passed over for promotion would probably be explained as not being skilled enough. She'd therefore expect to be passed over again.


What This Means

Understandably, if you’re an optimist, this bodes well for your future. Negative events are more likely to roll off of your back, but positive events affirm your belief in yourself, your ability to make good things happen now and in the future, and in the goodness of life.

Fortunately for pessimists and realists, these patterns of thinking can be learned to a degree (though we tend to be mostly predisposed to our patterns of thinking.) Using a practice called ‘cognitive restructuring,' you can help yourself and others become more optimistic by consciously challenging negative, self-limiting thinking and replacing it with more optimistic thought patterns. ( about.com )

READ MORE - Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health ( 2 )

Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health ( 1 )

Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health - Do you know someone who seems to always have a smile and a positive thought? Or are you yourself one of those people who is full of optimism? Hardships are seen as ‘learning experiences’ by optimists, and even the most miserable day always holds the promise for them that ‘tomorrow will probably be better.'

If you always see the brighter side of things, you may feel that you experience more positive events in your life than others, find yourself less stressed, and even enjoy greater health benefits.

This is not your imagination.

Researchers like Martin Seligman have been studying optimists and pessimists for years, and they have found that an optimistic world view carries certain advantages.

Optimism contributes to a longer, healthier life.

The Benefits of Optimism

Superior Health

In a study of 99 Harvard University students, those who were optimists at age 25 were significantly healthier at ages 45 and 60 than those who were pessimists. Other studies have linked a pessimistic explanatory style with higher rates of infectious disease, poor health, and earlier mortality.

Greater Achievement

Seligman analyzed the explanatory styles of sports teams and found that the more optimistic teams created more positive synergy and performed better than the pessimistic ones. Another study showed that pessimistic swimmers who were led to believe they’d done worse than they had were prone to future poor performance. Optimistic swimmers didn’t have this vulnerability.

Research like this has led some companies to go out of their way to hire optimists -- a practice that seems to be paying off.

Persistence

Optimists don’t give up as easily as pessimists, and they are more likely to achieve success because of it. Some optimistic businessmen, like Donald Trump, have been bankrupt (even multiple times), but have been able to persist and turn their failures into millions.

Emotional Health

In a study of clinically depressed patients, it was discovered that 12 weeks of cognitive therapy (which involves reframing a person's thought processes) worked better than drugs, as changes were more long-lasting than a temporary fix. Patients who had this training in optimism had the ability to more effectively handle future setbacks.

Increased Longevity

In a retrospective study of 34 healthy Hall of Fame baseball players who played between 1900 and 1950, optimists lived significantly longer. Other studies have shown that optimistic breast cancer patients had better health outcomes than pessimistic and hopeless patients.

Less Stress

Optimists also tend to experience less stress than pessimists or realists. Because they believe in themselves and their abilities, they expect good things to happen. They see negative events as minor setbacks to be easily overcome, and view positive events as evidence of further good things to come. Believing in themselves, they also take more risks and create more positive events in their lives.

Additionally, research shows that optimists are more proactive with stress management, favoring approaches that reduce or eliminate stressors and their emotional consequences. Optimists work harder at stress management, so they're less stressed. ( about.com )

READ MORE - Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health ( 1 )

What is Positive Psychology?

What is Positive Psychology? - Positive Psychology is a newer and increasingly popular branch of psychology that seeks to focus not on pathology, but on what contributes to human happiness and emotional health. It focuses on strengths, virtues, and factors that help people thrive and achieve a sense of fulfillment, as well as more effectively manage stress.


History of Positive Psychology

The Positive Psychology movement has its roots in the work of humanistic psychologists such as Abraham Maslow, who tried to focus more on healthy human development and less on pathology, but really came into being as we know it around 1998. It was primarily founded by psychologist Martin Seligman, who made it the focus of his American Psychological Association presidency and inspired others to contribute to this growing area of study. For Seligman, it became clear that there must be a new branch of psychology when he thought of how he wanted to raise his young daughter. He knew much more about what causes pathology and how to correct that, than he knew about how to nurture strength, resilience and emotional health. This had been a greatly under-studied area of research, so it became his primary focus.

Positive psychology can help you create a life of greater happiness and less stress.Photo from iStockPhoto.com

Focus of Positive Psychology

Positive Psychology aims to discover what makes us thrive. It looks at questions like, ‘What contributes to happiness?’, ‘What are the health effects of positive emotions?’ and, ‘What habits and actions can build personal resilience?’

So far, they’ve found some wonderful things. For example, it’s well-documented that negative emotions like anger, anxiety, and sadness can impact our health in negative ways, such as triggering our stress response and contributing to chronic stress, making us more susceptible to cardiovascular disease. But Positive Psychology research has now found that positive emotions can aid health by undoing the physical reactivity that can lead to these problems.


Using Positive Psychology for Stress Management

Positive Psychology has so far identified several positive emotional states that can contribute to greater emotional resilience, health and fulfillment. Some are listed below. Click on each to learn more about them and start adding them to your life.


Gratitude

Appreciating what one has in life can lead to more satisfaction and happiness. Both having what you want and wanting what you have can lead to a sense of gratitude, as can specific exercises such as maintaining a gratitude journal.

Optimism

We tend to have a natural tendency toward optimism or pessimism, but that’s just part of our potential. We can work on developing more of a tendency toward optimism if we choose. And, given that optimists see many benefits in life, this is something to work toward!

Flow

Losing track of time when you’re absorbed in fulfilling work or another engaging activity, ‘flow’ is a familiar state for most of us. And most of us don’t get enough of it!

Mindfulness

A state of being characterized by being fully present in the ‘now’, without trying to make anything different, mindfulness actually takes some practice for most people, but brings wonderful benefits as well.

Spirituality

Whatever the path, a focus on spirituality can lead to a greater sense of meaning in life, as well as greater resilience in the face of stress. ( about.com )

READ MORE - What is Positive Psychology?

How To: Do Relaxation Breathing

Proper breathing is actually a learned technique, and once you know how to do it, you may find yourself much more able to manage stress throughout the day. Follow the simple breathing exercises in this video and see what a difference they make for you.

Follow These Five Easy Steps

1. Find a quiet place

Sit comfortably in an area that is relatively quiet. Turn off any cell phones or anything else that might disturb you.

Time Inc. Studios

2. Sit on a towel or blanket

Place a small, folded towel under your buttocks. This will make you sit up straighter, which will open up your chest and lungs and allow you to breathe more deeply.

Time Inc. Studios

3. Focus on your breathing

Close your eyes and start to focus on your breathing. Notice how deep or shallow your breaths are.

Tip: The goal here is to focus only on your breath, pushing all other (potentially stress-triggering) thoughts from your mind.

Time Inc. Studios

4. Repeat for 10 to 20 minutes

Perform this breathing and focusing exercise for 10 to 20 minutes a day.

Time Inc. Studios

5. Take a break with one slow, deep breath

For a quick boost in the middle of your day (or anytime you find your stress level rising), take one slow deep breath in, hold it for a count of four, and then exhale slowly. ( realsimple.com )

READ MORE - How To: Do Relaxation Breathing

Top 10 tips for pleasing the pickiest toddler

Top 10 tips for pleasing the pickiest toddler - Parents often complain that there children just aren't interested in eating healthy foods, preferring instead to stick to a handful of favourites. Below are 10 tips to get the correct nutrients into the pickiest of eaters:

1. Offer small amounts of many different foods

Toddlers will notoriously put unusual bite sized objects in their mouths whether they are edible or not. So they are more likely to graze if confronted with a variety of different coloured and shaped foods.

Apple moons, banana slices, small broccoli trees or carrot sticks are more likely to tempt youngsters than a plate of nutritious, yet bland baby mush.

2. Offer dips

Most toddlers won't give up the chance to dip any object in something wet or gloopy. Cottage cheese, peanut butter or even pureed fruits can offer a way to get carrot or celery batons into the most obstinate youngster.

3. Turn it into a drink

Blending fruits and vegetables into drinks - with a straw - can often entice children to eat things which would usually make them turn up their noses. And it is an excellent way to sneak in supplements such as, egg powder, wheat germ, yogurt, honey, and peanut butter

4. Cut up food

How much a child will eat often depends on how you cut it. Cut sandwiches, pancakes, waffles, and pizza into various shapes using cookie cutters.

5. Get kids interested in vegetables

Encouraging your child to plant a garden and help care for plants before eating them will fire their interest in fruit and vegetables. Showing them pictures of food first can also encourage unwilling youngsters to try unknown foods.

6. Bear in mind how small kid's stomachs are

A young child's stomach is approximately the size of his fist. So dole out small portions at first and refill the plate when your child asks for more.

7. Make eating easier

Toddlers are often encouraged to sit at the table but dangling feet can make them restless. Maintaining a child table separate to the adults can improve dinner times.

8. Let them cook

Children are more likely to eat their own creations, so, when appropriate, let your child help prepare the food.Young hands are more than capable of tearing and washing lettuce, scrubbing potatoes, or stirring batter.

9. Pick the right foods

Choose foods that are high in nutrients so that a little goes a long way. The best are:

• Avocados
• Pasta
• Broccoli
• Peanut butter
• Brown rice and other grains
• Potatoes
• Cheese
• Poultry
• Eggs
• Squash
• Fish
• Sweet potatoes
• Kidney beans
• Tofu
• Yogurt

10. Camouflage

If all else fails try the old standby of "cheese in the trees" cheese melted on steamed broccoli florets. ( telegraph.co.uk )

READ MORE - Top 10 tips for pleasing the pickiest toddler

How Positive Thinking Can Improve Your Finances

How Positive Thinking Can Improve Your Finances - Have you ever attempted a task that you thought was insurmountable? Go back in your mind as far as you have to. Perhaps it was as a child, when you thought you'd never run faster than your best friend. Or maybe, as a teenager, you thought you'd never get that driver's license. Or the time at work when you thought you'd never finish that big project. If you've succeeded in any of these goals, you did it through goal setting and a positive attitude--whether you know it or not.

This is the same approach you'll need to reach your financial goals. Though they can seem intimidating and unreachable, your financial goals are absolutely achievable. You'll just need create of series of smaller steps that lead you towards your goal--and begin with step one today.

Let's break the process down further.

How to Create Goals

Creating goals is an extremely effective tactic in improving any area of your life. Here's how to do it:

--Decide how you want your life to be different. In the case of finances, that will likely mean eliminating debt, then creating emergency funds and savings accounts, and finally investing your money in appreciable assets and investments.

--Find out where you stand. You can't know where you're going if you don't know where you are. No matter how dire your financial situation, you have to calculate your current state. It may seem difficult, but your problems certainly won't go away by ignoring them.

--Plan the steps that will lead to your goal. The reason that having a million dollars in your bank account sounds intimidating is because, well, it is. But saving $10,000 every year for 25 years doesn't sound quite as ominous. And with interest, that pace will get you there. All you'll have to do is find ways to earn more and spend less until you reach your $10,000 annual savings.

--Stay focused. Mapping out your path is usually the easy part. The tough part is staying on that path. You have to constantly remind yourself of your goal and why it's worth achieving. This is where a positive outlook will save the day.

How to Create a Positive Outlook

It's been said that "attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." I couldn't possibly agree more. Your mind is a thought factory, and the thoughts it produces become your actions in life. Produce positive thoughts and you'll find ways to move forward to your goals. Produce negative thoughts and you'll wallow in stagnancy. Here's how to build a positive outlook:

--Become aware of your thoughts. Listen closely to that voice in your head. When you think, "I can get out of debt" or "I can be a millionaire," how does the voice respond? If it says, "No you can't, and here are a list of reasons why," then you have at least a partially negative factory. That's okay; becoming aware of that is the first step toward change.

--Force your mind to think positively. Just like a real factory can stop production or begin building a new product, your mind can begin creating positive thoughts. One of my favorite quotes on this says, "Having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be." Begin by simply searching for ways to approach a problem. Your brain is extremely complex and intelligent, and it will naturally begin to find solutions.

--Speak positively. If anyone asks what you're focusing on in life, don't be bashful about telling them your goal. If they begin giving you reasons why it isn't possible, don't be afraid to tell them that you're sorry they don't agree. Remember, this is your life; you'll be the one to enjoy the benefits or face the consequences of what you do today.

How to Maintain Your Positivity

Important goals, especially financial ones, can take a long time to reach fruition. This process can be extremely trying, especially when you witness the bad spending habits or negative attitudes of others. You must create a bubble of support and positivity around you.

--Control your first thoughts of the day. When you wake up, lay still. Take a few minutes and reiterate your goals. Remind yourself why these goals are important. Consider your plan for the day and make sure it aligns. This brief period of focus can have a major impact.

--Surround yourself with affirmative reminders. Reminders don't always have to come from within. Hang pictures and quotes around that will make you feel confident about reaching that future state. Some of my favorites are, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty," and "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."

--Spend more of your time with positive people. It's been said that your success will be determined by the five people closest to you. If these people are pulling you back, saying you can't, and refusing to support you, it will be much harder to succeed. Choose a team who wants to learn about your aspirations, help you get there, and even to hold you accountable. This will make your path much, much smoother.

Stay Positive and You'll Succeed

The way to accomplish any task, no matter how big, is to break it into smaller pieces and start with the first step. With this approach you'll create a linear trail of dots which begin with this moment, right now. and end with your goal. Consider positivity to be your jetpack, allowing you to surge from dot to dot, breaking through every obstacle and pushing forward to success. With the right plan and the right attitude, anything is possible! ( usnews.com )

READ MORE - How Positive Thinking Can Improve Your Finances

Taking Care of a 'Hairy' Situation

Taking Care of a 'Hairy' Situation - It's funny how something so natural and universal can lead to so much discussion and opinion: why we have it; what we should do with it; why we even care -- all seem to be topics of discussion. The thing is, it’s not exactly appropriate dinner conversation.

Over the years, its style has certainly changed -- in the 1970s, it was cool for a woman to have ‘unkempt’ hair down there; today, she would never go on a date without waxing first (or at least shaving). These days, even men are known to trim things up in that area.

It can be hard to discuss even with your partner, let alone friends or family. Still the questions remain. So, here’s a little insight when it comes to five of the most commonly asked questions regarding pubic hair.

1. Why do we have it?

Even the experts can’t agree on this one. Warmth? Maybe. But then it would make sense for it to be on the shaft of the penis. To trap pheromones? Perhaps. But even without it, the pheromones still manage to do their job. To keep germs out? Could be. But then it should probably be present at the tip of the penis too. Evolution is a funny thing. Maybe we did need it at one time. But these days, no one has proved it to be a necessity.

2. Why do some choose to leave it be?

Some people prefer the natural look and feel, and there’s not a thing wrong with that. It’s certainly easier, of course, as it doesn’t require the maintenance and care that trimming, shaving and waxing do. Folks who prefer this look and feel often say that anything else seems fake -- or even bizarre. Some people take particular issue with the complete removal of the hair, as it leaves the person looking, to their mind, pre-pubescent. Followers also often say that the natural look adds to a natural musk of sorts that can develop when the hair is there, something that people either love or hate. But, the truth of the matter is, it’s all about personal preference.

3. Why do others choose to trim, shave or wax it?

One reason to trim, shave or wax some or all of the hair is purely for aesthetic reasons. There are men and women alike who simply prefer a manicured look. Some argue that this preference is based on pornography, which often portrays this look. But that’s really a question of whether life imitates art or art imitates life, you know? But, regardless of the impetus, tending the hedges has simply become part of our culture, just as it is not a part of other cultures throughout the world.

Of course, looks are not the only reason the bare or nearly bare look has garnered popularity. It’s also because it allows direct access to one’s naughty bits both for solo and partner play. A tongue, a touch, or a toy on bare skin creates a much different -- and many argue far better -- sensation than one that results when the natural look is sported. Some women say they really enjoy how it feels during the day to be bare, saying it makes them feel sexier and experience more sensation that inspires a desire for even more sensation when they get home. (If you get my drift).

Some also suggest that a man’s “package” appears larger when it is free of hair…

4. How do I tell my partner I'd like him or her to try a new ‘do’ or that I'd like to try something new myself?

It can be tough to talk to your partner about wanting to change the look of your personal ‘do’ or wanting them to change theirs. The key is to come at it from a place of “I” and to assure your partner that it has nothing at all to do with how much you love them and being intimate with them. It’s simply something you’d like to explore.

Here are some suggestions:

• “Honey, I would like to get a Brazilian wax. I love having sex with you and I’m curious what it would be like if you could see and feel me without distraction.”
• “Sweetheart, I was wondering if you’ve ever considered trimming, shaving or waxing your nether regions. I think it could be really sexy. And even if either or both of us don’t end up preferring it, it certainly would be a fun experiment!”

The point is to keep the conversation light and assure that it really is just about something as simple as hair and not about control or other deeper issues.

5. So, what are the options?

The sky’s the limit, my friends. Some people simply tidy things up. Others wax it bare. Some people take care of business themselves. Others go to spas or salons that will take care of the dirty work. Women sometimes leave a small patch of hair in a shape as simple as a triangle or a thin line. (The latter of which is commonly called a Brazilian). Others get various designs shaved into their pubic hair.

Believe it or not, there are even dyes made specifically for pubic hair. Do not, however, use bleach or any product designed for the hair on your head.

You can even decorate around the hair or where the hair once was with a practice called Vajazzling, where crystals in various designs are glued to the skin.

The bottom line is this -- it’s yours, it grows back; and no one has to see it but you and those you choose to show it to. So, there’s no reason not to do whatever turns you on. Besides, what a fun and sexy little way to express yourself and a great secret to carry with you and keep you feeling in the mood! ( foxnews.com )

READ MORE - Taking Care of a 'Hairy' Situation

Designer clothes can help you bag a better job

Designer clothes can help you bag a better job - They may burn a bigger hole in your wallet – but designer clothes are a sound investment, a study suggests.

Wearing well-known brand labels makes you appear wealthier, more worthy of respect and can even help you bag a better job, the research found.

In one test, women who wore a well-known brand on their polo shirt were given almost twice as much money when they solicited for charity than when they wore non-designer outfits.

Interview: Wearing branded clothes not only increased a man's chances of being judged suitable for a job but even increased his salary

In another, wearing branded clothes not only increased a man’s chances of being judged suitable for a job, but even increased the salary those surveyed would offer him by 9 per cent.

The study, at Tilburg University, in the Netherlands, involved four experiments. They tested reactions to well-known brands when judging status and wealth, responding to an invitation to take part in a survey, assessing a potential employee and being asked to give to charity.

Researchers Dr Rob Nelissen and Dr Marijn Meijers said humans are failing to see beyond the surface and that we are being sucked in by advertising for designer brands. ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Designer clothes can help you bag a better job

Calagans celebrate 'Wow Caraga 2011'

Calagans celebrate 'Wow Caraga 2011' - Residents from the Caraga region recently celebrated its 16th founding anniversary in a festival dubbed "Wow Caraga 2011."

Bislig City hosted the celebration, thus the festival had the tagline "Payanig sa Bislig".

Festivities started with the Bird Parade where students wore bird head gears, since many species of birds can be found in the region, particularly in Agusan Marsh.

The students then went to a Bird and Wildlife Forum at the De La Salle John Bosco College, organized by the Wild Bird Club of the Philippines and the Philippine Eagle Foundation.

The festival also featured a trade fair, exhibits of regional line agencies, the "Birds of Bislig" photo exhibit, and a garden show.

Contingents from Agusan del Sur's Naliyagan, Surigao del Norte's Lubi-lubi, Bislig City's Karawasan, Surigao del Sur's Paladong, and Bayugan City's Diwata participated in the Calagan Festival Grand Showdown.

Also held was a Search for Mutya ng Caraga 2011, the Calagan Culinary Show and Live Competition, the Calagan Singing Star Quest, and a wild bird-watching activity, the new project of Bislig City.

Formed as an administrative region under Republic Act 7901 enacted in 1995, Caraga is composed of the provinces Agusan del Norte, Agusan del Sur, Surigao del Norte, Surigao del Sur, and the Dinagat group of islands. The region has 6 cities: Butuan, Surigao, Bislig, Cabadbaran, Tandang, and Bayugan.

Department of Tourism (DOT) officials led by Assistant Secretary Domingo Ramon C. Enerio III joined Kalagans in celebrating the festival.

“The people of Caraga have a lot to be thankful for with the environment they have been endowed with but such great endowment comes with great responsibility. The people of Caraga must continue to protect the environment not only for themselves but also for future generations,” Enerio said. ( abs-cbnnews.com )

READ MORE - Calagans celebrate 'Wow Caraga 2011'

Why Preschool Shouldn't Be Like School

Why Preschool Shouldn't Be Like School - New research shows that teaching kids more and more, at ever-younger ages, may backfire.

Ours is an age of pedagogy. Anxious parents instruct their children more and more, at younger and younger ages, until they're reading books to babies in the womb. They pressure teachers to make kindergartens and nurseries more like schools. So does the law—the 2001 No Child Left Behind Act explicitly urged more direct instruction in federally funded preschools.

There are skeptics, of course, including some parents, many preschool teachers, and even a few policy-makers. Shouldn't very young children be allowed to explore, inquire, play, and discover, they ask? Perhaps direct instruction can help children learn specific facts and skills, but what about curiosity and creativity—abilities that are even more important for learning in the long run? Two forthcoming studies in the journal Cognition—one from a lab at MIT and one from my lab at UC-Berkeley—suggest that the doubters are on to something. While learning from a teacher may help children get to a specific answer more quickly, it also makes them less likely to discover new information about a problem and to create a new and unexpected solution.

What do we already know about how teaching affects learning? Not as much as we would like, unfortunately, because it is a very difficult thing to study. You might try to compare different kinds of schools. But the children and the teachers at a Marin County preschool that encourages exploration will be very different from the children and teachers in a direct instruction program in South Side Chicago. And almost any new program with enthusiastic teachers will have good effects, at least to begin with, regardless of content. So comparisons are difficult. Besides, how do you measure learning, anyway? Almost by definition, directed teaching will make children do better on standardized tests, which the government uses to evaluate school performance. Curiosity and creativity are harder to measure.

Developmental scientists like me explore the basic science of learning by designing controlled experiments. We might start by saying: Suppose we gave a group of 4-year-olds exactly the same problems and only varied on whether we taught them directly or encouraged them to figure it out for themselves? Would they learn different things and develop different solutions? The two new studies in Cognition are the first to systematically show that they would.

In the first study, MIT professor Laura Schulz, her graduate student Elizabeth Bonawitz, and their colleagues looked at how 4-year-olds learned about a new toy with four tubes. Each tube could do something interesting: If you pulled on one tube it squeaked, if you looked inside another tube you found a hidden mirror, and so on. For one group of children, the experimenter said: "I just found this toy!" As she brought out the toy, she pulled the first tube, as if by accident, and it squeaked. She acted surprised ("Huh! Did you see that? Let me try to do that!") and pulled the tube again to make it squeak a second time. With the other children, the experimenter acted more like a teacher. She said, "I'm going to show you how my toy works. Watch this!" and deliberately made the tube squeak. Then she left both groups of children alone to play with the toy.

All of the children pulled the first tube to make it squeak. The question was whether they would also learn about the other things the toy could do. The children from the first group played with the toy longer and discovered more of its "hidden" features than those in the second group. In other words, direct instruction made the children less curious and less likely to discover new information.

Does direct teaching also make children less likely to draw new conclusions—or, put another way, does it make them less creative? To answer this question, Daphna Buchsbaum, Tom Griffiths, Patrick Shafto, and I gave another group of 4-year-old children a new toy.* This time, though, we demonstrated sequences of three actions on the toy, some of which caused the toy to play music, some of which did not. For example, Daphna might start by squishing the toy, then pressing a pad on its top, then pulling a ring on its side, at which point the toy would play music. Then she might try a different series of three actions, and it would play music again. Not every sequence she demonstrated worked, however: Only the ones that ended with the same two actions made the music play. After showing the children five successful sequences interspersed with four unsuccessful ones, she gave them the toy and told them to "make it go."

Daphna ran through the same nine sequences with all the children, but with one group, she acted as if she were clueless about the toy. ("Wow, look at this toy. I wonder how it works? Let's try this," she said.) With the other group, she acted like a teacher. ("Here's how my toy works.") When she acted clueless, many of the children figured out the most intelligent way of getting the toy to play music (performing just the two key actions, something Daphna had not demonstrated). But when Daphna acted like a teacher, the children imitated her exactly, rather than discovering the more intelligent and more novel two-action solution.

As so often happens in science, two studies from different labs, using different techniques, have simultaneously produced strikingly similar results. They provide scientific support for the intuitions many teachers have had all along: Direct instruction really can limit young children's learning. Teaching is a very effective way to get children to learn something specific—this tube squeaks, say, or a squish then a press then a pull causes the music to play. But it also makes children less likely to discover unexpected information and to draw unexpected conclusions.

Why might children behave this way? Adults often assume that most learning is the result of teaching and that exploratory, spontaneous learning is unusual. But actually, spontaneous learning is more fundamental. It's this kind of learning, in fact, that allows kids to learn from teachers in the first place. Patrick Shafto, a machine-learning specialist at the University of Louisville and a co-author of both these studies; Noah Goodman at Stanford; and their colleagues have explored how we could design computers that learn about the world as effectively as young children do. It's this work that inspired these experiments.

These experts in machine learning argue that learning from teachers first requires you to learn about teachers. For example, if you know how teachers work, you tend to assume that they are trying to be informative. When the teacher in the tube-toy experiment doesn't go looking for hidden features inside the tubes, the learner unconsciously thinks: "She's a teacher. If there were something interesting in there, she would have showed it to me." These assumptions lead children to narrow in, and to consider just the specific information a teacher provides. Without a teacher present, children look for a much wider range of information and consider a greater range of options.

Knowing what to expect from a teacher is a really good thing, of course: It lets you get the right answers more quickly than you would otherwise. Indeed, these studies show that 4-year-olds understand how teaching works and can learn from teachers. But there is an intrinsic trade-off between that kind of learning and the more wide-ranging learning that is so natural for young children. Knowing this, it's more important than ever to give children's remarkable, spontaneous learning abilities free rein. That means a rich, stable, and safe world, with affectionate and supportive grown-ups, and lots of opportunities for exploration and play. Not school for babies. ( slate.com )

READ MORE - Why Preschool Shouldn't Be Like School

Take years off your face

Take years off your face - Our skin is a mirror of our inner health and well-being. The right diet, combined with the right exercise and a simple beauty routine does wonders to the way we look and feel every day.

The skin has a dual role of protection (from foreign, toxic substances) and the transfer point (for the release of toxins from our bodies becomes) and in the process it tires out when there is a work overload. It then craves a little more care than just the regular cleansing-toning-moisturising routine.

This is where facials come in: a deep and thorough cleansing procedure that is known to remove impurities embedded within the pores while replenishing essential nutrients to the skin!

Why facials are so good

Research reveals facials come with several benefits, both physical and psychological. "Facials counteract the effects of pollutants and sun exposure, helping cleanse, rehydrate and rejuvenate skin.

They can also be used as a mild treatment to take care of skin blemishes, dead skin and early wrinkles. It's best to start them at 25, when the skin begins to undergo its first round of wear and tear. Regular facials also ensure better penetration of anti-ageing skincare products," explains Mumbai-based dermatologist Dr Apratim Goel.

According to beauty expert, Shahnaz Hussain, one of the pioneers of facials in India, "Facials help maintain the oil-moisture balance of the skin, along with the acid-alkali balance. And since facials aid in the toning of both skin and muscles, it also doubles up as an effective anti-ager, when done on a regular basis, ideally once every month beyond the age of 30. Besides, it helps relax every muscle on the face and neck, bringing about a soothing effect." Every facial follows a few basic steps, each of which comes with individual benefits.

Deep cleansing and toning: The skin is deeply and thoroughly cleaned with a gentle cleanser to remove impurities and pollutants thereby improving blood circulation to the face almost immediately. This also helps products penetrate the skin faster, during the facial as well as later. Toning on the other hand aids in faster cell renewal preserving firmness and elasticity of the skin.

Exfoliation: Exfoliation with specific products (depending on the facial one opts for) boosts renewal of skin cells, making skin appear brighter and more translucent. This is mostly done with anti-oxidant creams used to help prevent free radical damage. This apart, it also helps remove blackheads significantly opening the clogged pores and allowing skin to breathe.

Massage: The most relaxing part of a facial, the gentle and rhythmic strokes relaxes muscles, thus increasing blood circulation, which in turn aids the removal of toxins and waste from the body and delays the onset of wrinkles.

Face masks: Available in various types such as firming, whitening, Vitamin C, etc., they are known to remove oiliness, shrink pores and add moisture to the skin, lending it a translucent feel. Herbal masks, on the other hand, improve cell renewal signficantly.

Choose your own beauty routine
With a flurry of options, it is important you choose your facials with care for maximum benefits.

Extremely sensitive/Acne-Prone Skin: "Facials are best avoided for people with very sensitive skin, acne or very oily skin or those with skin conditions such as rosacea. Clean-ups work best for such skin types which comes with the benefits of a facial, but reduced massage time, which is considered harmful for those with such skin types. Scrubbing is also a complete no-no for such skin," says Delhi-based dermatologist Charulata Bose.

Normal to oily skin: Go for a basic facial (a fruit facial, an oxygen-based facial) that stresses on cleansing, toning and a good face mask, advises Hussain.

Dry skin: Opt for facials that focus on massage and thick creams. This will help the cream penetrate deep in, thereby providing necessary hydration, suggests Bose.

What you should look out for

While facials come with a host of benefits, they are effective only when done the right way by qualified, experienced professionals and in completely hygienic conditions, with safe, high-quality products, cautions Goel. "Wrong massage techniques can cause skin to sag, leading to more prominent wrinkles," says Bose.

1. Know the ingredients and the brands being used on your face.
2. Test if you are allergic to any ingredient in the products. If you're experimenting with a new kind of facial, do a patch test of the major ingredients well in advance in order to rule out allergies.
3. Ensure your therapist uses only fresh products, especially in case of natural/organic/fruit facials.
4. Never peel away pimples as these could leave painful sores and permanent scars.
5. Make sure the spa/salon maintains good hygiene standards to avoid any kind of infection. ( yahoo.com )

READ MORE - Take years off your face

What is your ultimate status symbol?

World's most expensive dog at $1.5m - What is your ultimate status symbol? An expensive car, a duplex apartment or bungalow? Maybe even expensive jewellery and designer clothes. But that is not so in China.

What is your ultimate status symbol? An expensive car, a duplex apartment or bungalow? Maybe even expensive jewellery and designer clothes. But apparently, that is not so in China.

We hear that an ancient breed of dog is the highest status symbol for rich Chinese.

London's Daily Telegraph yesterday reported of an 11-month-old Tibetan mastiff male puppy that has gained the title of the world's most expensive dog!

'Big Splash' was bought for 10 million yuan ($1.5 million) by a wealthy Chinese coal baron.

DID YOU KNOW? Genghis Khan is believed to have had kept Tibetan Mastiffs as pets too.

According to a Tibetan Mastiff breeder, Kathryn Hay, the dogs are a very untouched, unspoilt breed. "They can be great pets but you have to be a strong owner because they're not overly domesticated," she says. The interesting thing about this breed is that even though their size is substantial, they don't eat too much. Traditionally used as guard dogs, that trait is still seen today, but they are also fond of lazing around.

Makes you wonder about the value of money, doesn't it? What are your thoughts? If you had the money to spend, would you keep a $1.5 million dog for a pet? ( yahoo.com )

READ MORE - What is your ultimate status symbol?

Sexual assault of American women soldiers on the rise

Sexual assault of American women soldiers on the rise - In a bid to address sexual crimes within the American defence forces more effectively, the United States Air Force will release a survey later this week in which it states that one in five women have been sexually assaulted since joining the military service.

The survey conducted by Gallup, interviewed 18,834 male and female airmen between July and August 2010 and had a response rate of nearly 19 percent.

Experts say the results, which will be published on the Air Force website will be important for the Air Force and the entire military, as top officials will be forced to acknowledge and confront the scope of the problem for the first time.

Charlene Bradley, an air force assistant deputy for force management integration said: " If we're ever going to get to the point where we know how much progress we're making or not making, our leadership has to find out the extent of the problem," adding that the Air Force leadership was "very concerned" when they reviewed the survey's findings.

She added: "They were concerned before, but they were very concerned when they saw this."

According to the military sexual assault includes a number of things including "sexual contact without consent." Out of the 18.9 percent of the female airmen who reported having been assaulted, 58 percent said that they had been raped and 20 percent said they had been sodomized, which the military defines as nonconsensual oral or anal sex.

It is expected to serve as a new base for tracking the crime. The survey is likely to be conducted every 18 to 24 months, says Bradley.

The survey has brought out that a majority of assaults were against women, nearly 80 percent and the perpetrators are fellow US service members.

Bradley says: "The survey was designed to help the Air Force evaluate its prevention programs to find out "how much progress we're making or not making."

The survey makes it clear that only a small percentage of victims reported the crimes and in order to control this it was important to change this fact.

A majority of those who were victims of unwanted sex said they did not think it was serious enough to report.

Nearly 60 percent of women who were raped said they did not want their superiors to know and 63 percent, said they did not want their fellow airmen to know." Nearly half said that they did not want to cause trouble in their unit, The Christian Science Monitor reports.

To overcome this problem, the Air Force is making large scale efforts on a bystander training program as the findings suggest that many victims of assault do tell a friend or fellow airmen, whether they officially report the crime or not.

Bradley said that the Air Force has full-time trained sexual assault response coordinators (SARCs), at every base, as well as volunteer victim advocates.

David Lisak, sexual assault specialist and clinical psychologist at the University of Massachusetts, Boston said that the Air Force is also focusing on better training for military lawyers who in many cases have little experience compared to the specialized civilian sexual-assault defense lawyers that many alleged perpetrators hire. ( news.yahoo.com )

READ MORE - Sexual assault of American women soldiers on the rise

Five things you should know about lost love

1. Not everyone has a lost love.

Dr. Nancy Kalish surveyed 1,600 random people who had no idea she was a reunion researcher. The vast majority had never tried and didn't even want to contemplate a reunion with their first loves. In fact, three-quarters said they were not interested. Some even wrote comments like, ``Hell, no! Who would want to do that?'' in the margins of the survey.

What was the difference between those who carried a torch for decades and those who said they wouldn't dream of getting back together? Many who rekindled their relationships later in life had broken up because of parental disapproval, because they were too young to get married, or because they had moved away. In the control group, the explanation for the first breakup were ``other'' reasons, such as abuse or infidelity. In these cases, the first love served as a model of the kind of person not to marry.

2. Men take longer to get over lost love.

Kalish's surveys asked both men and women how long it took them to get over their lost loves. Her responses suggested that men took much longer. Some of the men were not even satisfied with the survey choices, which included ``over 10 years.'' Only men crossed out all the choices and wrote, ``I never got over my lost love!''

Many men also reported crying for weeks after they broke up with a high- school sweetheart. While more women post comments on her website, www. lostlovers.com, Kalish has more male subscribers.


3. People carry memories of lost young love into their golden years.

More than half of Kalish's rekindlers reported reuniting with people they knew when they were under 17 years old. More than a quarter of the remaining rekindlers had reconnected with people they knew when they were 18 to 22. Some even reported reuniting with childhood friends.

When they reunited, 37 per cent were in their 40s and 50s, 10 per cent were in their 60s and 70s and four per cent were 80 or older. In one case, lost loves who had been separated for 75 years were remarried on the woman's 95th birthday.

By 2005, when Kalish was in the second part of her research, she noted that two-thirds of her participants were having extramarital affairs - even the seniors. Often, these relationships started with people who were divorced or widowed, who then contacted old flames who were still married. But Kalish also found that seniors were more likely to feel guilty or shameful about seeking out an old love.


4. There is no biological explanation for the ``stickiness'' of first love.

There is no neurological or chemical chain of events that means there will always be a link between first loves, says Kalish. Neither is first love like ``imprinting'' ducklings, who become attached to their mother, or whatever moving objects happens to be closest to them in their first two days of life. If that were true, everyone's high-school sweethearts would be considered lost loves, and her surveys show that most people wouldn't even consider approaching their first romantic partners. There are a lot of teen couples who get married and then divorce, she points out.

Kalish has a simpler explanation. Reunions are most often successful if the couple was together during their formative years, if they dated a year or more, and had shared experiences, such as school or a circle or friends. Some of her rekindlers had reunions with old friends, not former sweethearts.


5. ``Puppy love'' can be real love.

Kalish advises parents against belittling teen love as ``puppy love.'' Many of her rekindlers broke up in the first place because their parents simply did not like the sweethearts.

``They were not in unhealthy relationships. Their parents had an unhealthy confusion of love and sex, worried that their teens' love had to be sexual,'' says Kalish.

Parents also tend to believe in the myth that teens should play the field, she says. But people don't learn intimacy by walking away and finding a ``better'' partner. ``That way, no one satisfies them, ultimately.''

Her advice: Unless the teen's sweetheart is abusive or dealing drugs, leave him or her alone.

``Young teens should be able to go out in a mixed group without parents getting upset, and a preteen who says she is `going with' someone may just mean they hold hands in the hallway and walk to class together.'' ( Postmedia News )

READ MORE - Five things you should know about lost love

First Love: Ever wonder what happened to the love you left behind?

First Love: Ever wonder what happened to the love you left behind? - You never forget your first love, they say. And for some people, that may actually be true.

Psychologist Dr. Nancy Kalish stumbled on an interesting phenomenon when she embarked on her research on ``rekindlers'' in 1993.

Kalish's specialty was developmental psychology. Then a psychology professor at the University of California, she was casting about for a subject for a sabbatical project, and decided to find reunited couples and ask them about their experiences.

Two-thirds reunited with lost loves from when they were 17 or younger. Of these, 78 per cent had a successful reunion.

She did interviews with newspapers, radio and television stations, trying to find 65 reunited lovers. When word got out, she eventually attracted information from 1,001 rekindled couples from all over the world. She published a book, Lost & Found Lovers, in 1997.

``Readers said: `Thank you. We thought we were crazy,''' says Kalish, who still maintains a website for lost and found lovers. ``I was the happy topic of the day on Valentine's Day.''

The conclusions she drew from her research would make Cupid smile. In some cases, the ``lost love'' happened even before puberty, a couple who remembered playing happily on a beach as children, for example. In other cases, the rekindled loves were friends during adolescence, not sweethearts.

``That is not raging teenage hormones. That's comfort,'' says Kalish.

Most often, the young lovers were separated because of distance, or because their parents disapproved. Even though some of the rekindlers had been apart for decades, they were thrilled with their reunions.

Two-thirds reunited with lost loves from when they were 17 or younger. Of these, 78 per cent had a successful reunion. Overall, the success rate of reunions was 72 per cent. Of those who broke up, only a handful split over the same issues that caused the original rift.

What Kalish found next was not so happy. She embarked on a second study of reunited lovers in 2005 to 2006, eventually surveying 1,600 reunited couples.

These reunions were often disastrous. Many of these rekindlers were married and still plagued by memories of what might have been. ``There are loose ends, what psychologists call `ambiguous loss,''' she says.

``People who are married agonize over whether to leave their happy marriage to return to the lost love. They just can't let go of this lost love again.''

The infidelities, both emotional and physical, were devastating to spouses and families, says Kalish.

It wasn't any better for the rekindlers themselves. Only five per cent of the second group of rekindlers married. About half the people who had affairs said they had happy marriages before their reunions with lost loves. One was a clergyman who gave up his family and his calling for the lost love.

What was the difference between the two sets of rekindlers? When Kalish first started her work in the early 1990s, it sometimes took considerable effort for rekindlers to find each other. Often, those who were hunting for a first love had to go through a ``gatekeeper,'' such as a parent, before they could get contact information. It meant that few of those seeking a reunion were susceptible to having an affair. They were single, divorced or widowed, and free to reunite.

``If you're going to her elder dad for her phone number, you had better be single. He was the gatekeeper,'' says Kalish.

It's different now, with the Internet and Facebook. Even married people can search out photos and information in private. Newspaper articles, Facebook pages, blogs, they're all online and can be accessed secretly. Many saw no harm in succumbing to the temptation of reconnecting with the old flame.

But that is playing with fire, says Kalish. The lure of a lost love is a very powerful thing.

``If you are happy in your marriage, and don't want to lose it, don't even try,'' she warns. ``You get torn by two people.''

Neither does it offer closure to see that the lost lover has become fat, bald and boring. ``They fall in love all over again. They see the person they were. The 80-year-old man sees his 16-year-old girlfriend when he looks at his lost love.''

Rekindlers who make contact with an old flame sometimes buy cellphones for the sole purpose of connecting with loves, and discard them if things fizzle or they get close to being discovered.

They even have their own lingo. NC, for example, stands for ``no contact.'' It's a promise between the two former loves that they won't seek to contact each other for a cooling-off period. And it's a bad idea, warns Kalish, because it just keeps the flame of obsession burning.

Her advice? For married people who think often about a lost love, the healing has to come from within, and not from meeting the lost love. It might even require consulting a psychologist.

Betrayed spouses need to know that it's also not their fault, says Kalish. The betrayed often believe that the person having the affair will come to his senses. Most often, the men having an affair with their lost loves will remain with their wives. As a psychologist, Kalish says it's because men have different brains, and are able to compartmentalize their emotions. ``When push comes to shove, they tend to stay in their marriages.''

Kalish doesn't blame Facebook. ``Facebook doesn't book hotel rooms,'' she says.

As for single, married or divorced people searching for their lost loves, as long as both are free, why not?

``It's a wonderful thing if you're available. If you're not, it's a disaster, '' says Kalish.

She believes there is such a thing as true love.

``Of course, there is true love,'' says Kalish, who is divorced, ``because I saw it in my own family.''

Her own parents were married at 19 and 21. Her father, who had heart problems, was not supposed to live past 45. But he outlived three cardiologists, survived two heart attacks, a stroke and a kidney transplant and died at 85.

``He didn't want to leave my mother,'' says Kalish. ( Ottawa Citizen )

READ MORE - First Love: Ever wonder what happened to the love you left behind?

Teenagers need privacy

Teenagers need privacy, respect it - Teenage years for any individual is a difficult and a delicate period.

This arises because teenagers begin to develop their own individual identity, experience biological and physiological changes, face peer pressure, become aware about their sexuality etc. And this is often a major period of worry for parents to deal with their teenage children. During this time, effective communication with children is of utmost importance as it can hamper or blossom the parent-child relationship for years to come.

Here's how you can communicate with your teenage child in a better way:

Spend time together

During this age, teenagers prefer spending time with their friends than their parents. However, as a parent, it is important that you need to spend time with your child. Spend time through fun activities like going out to eat, watching a movie, shopping or simply eating at least one meal together as a family. This provides ample opportunity to bond with the kids and know what's happening in their lives.


Be patient

Teenagers often face a lot of confusion about things and making decisions. If your child does something wrong, be patient. Instead of giving them a sound thrashing, talk to them and let them explain their reasons for doing what they did. After this you should tell them how their decisions made you feel. Assure them that they can always come and talk to you, if they need anything. Let them know that you love them.


Don't snoop around

It is very tempting for parents to spy on their children, under the garb of parental supervision.

However, overhearing their telephonic conversations, checking their email account or befriending them as a stranger on a social networking site are not advisable options. Teenagers are young adults and need some degree of personal privacy. If the children find out that the parents have been spying on them, they will see it as a sign of mistrust and completely lose faith in the parents. Therefore, parents need to set boundaries about their expectations from the children, regarding the company they keep or their whereabouts than spying on them. ( indiatimes.com )

READ MORE - Teenagers need privacy