1. Not everyone has a lost love.
Dr. Nancy Kalish surveyed 1,600 random people who had no idea she was a reunion researcher. The vast majority had never tried and didn't even want to contemplate a reunion with their first loves. In fact, three-quarters said they were not interested. Some even wrote comments like, ``Hell, no! Who would want to do that?'' in the margins of the survey.
What was the difference between those who carried a torch for decades and those who said they wouldn't dream of getting back together? Many who rekindled their relationships later in life had broken up because of parental disapproval, because they were too young to get married, or because they had moved away. In the control group, the explanation for the first breakup were ``other'' reasons, such as abuse or infidelity. In these cases, the first love served as a model of the kind of person not to marry.
2. Men take longer to get over lost love.
Kalish's surveys asked both men and women how long it took them to get over their lost loves. Her responses suggested that men took much longer. Some of the men were not even satisfied with the survey choices, which included ``over 10 years.'' Only men crossed out all the choices and wrote, ``I never got over my lost love!''
Many men also reported crying for weeks after they broke up with a high- school sweetheart. While more women post comments on her website, www. lostlovers.com, Kalish has more male subscribers.
3. People carry memories of lost young love into their golden years.
More than half of Kalish's rekindlers reported reuniting with people they knew when they were under 17 years old. More than a quarter of the remaining rekindlers had reconnected with people they knew when they were 18 to 22. Some even reported reuniting with childhood friends.
When they reunited, 37 per cent were in their 40s and 50s, 10 per cent were in their 60s and 70s and four per cent were 80 or older. In one case, lost loves who had been separated for 75 years were remarried on the woman's 95th birthday.
By 2005, when Kalish was in the second part of her research, she noted that two-thirds of her participants were having extramarital affairs - even the seniors. Often, these relationships started with people who were divorced or widowed, who then contacted old flames who were still married. But Kalish also found that seniors were more likely to feel guilty or shameful about seeking out an old love.
4. There is no biological explanation for the ``stickiness'' of first love.
There is no neurological or chemical chain of events that means there will always be a link between first loves, says Kalish. Neither is first love like ``imprinting'' ducklings, who become attached to their mother, or whatever moving objects happens to be closest to them in their first two days of life. If that were true, everyone's high-school sweethearts would be considered lost loves, and her surveys show that most people wouldn't even consider approaching their first romantic partners. There are a lot of teen couples who get married and then divorce, she points out.
Kalish has a simpler explanation. Reunions are most often successful if the couple was together during their formative years, if they dated a year or more, and had shared experiences, such as school or a circle or friends. Some of her rekindlers had reunions with old friends, not former sweethearts.
5. ``Puppy love'' can be real love.
Kalish advises parents against belittling teen love as ``puppy love.'' Many of her rekindlers broke up in the first place because their parents simply did not like the sweethearts.
``They were not in unhealthy relationships. Their parents had an unhealthy confusion of love and sex, worried that their teens' love had to be sexual,'' says Kalish.
Parents also tend to believe in the myth that teens should play the field, she says. But people don't learn intimacy by walking away and finding a ``better'' partner. ``That way, no one satisfies them, ultimately.''
Her advice: Unless the teen's sweetheart is abusive or dealing drugs, leave him or her alone.
``Young teens should be able to go out in a mixed group without parents getting upset, and a preteen who says she is `going with' someone may just mean they hold hands in the hallway and walk to class together.'' ( Postmedia News )
Dr. Nancy Kalish surveyed 1,600 random people who had no idea she was a reunion researcher. The vast majority had never tried and didn't even want to contemplate a reunion with their first loves. In fact, three-quarters said they were not interested. Some even wrote comments like, ``Hell, no! Who would want to do that?'' in the margins of the survey.
What was the difference between those who carried a torch for decades and those who said they wouldn't dream of getting back together? Many who rekindled their relationships later in life had broken up because of parental disapproval, because they were too young to get married, or because they had moved away. In the control group, the explanation for the first breakup were ``other'' reasons, such as abuse or infidelity. In these cases, the first love served as a model of the kind of person not to marry.
2. Men take longer to get over lost love.
Kalish's surveys asked both men and women how long it took them to get over their lost loves. Her responses suggested that men took much longer. Some of the men were not even satisfied with the survey choices, which included ``over 10 years.'' Only men crossed out all the choices and wrote, ``I never got over my lost love!''
Many men also reported crying for weeks after they broke up with a high- school sweetheart. While more women post comments on her website, www. lostlovers.com, Kalish has more male subscribers.
3. People carry memories of lost young love into their golden years.
More than half of Kalish's rekindlers reported reuniting with people they knew when they were under 17 years old. More than a quarter of the remaining rekindlers had reconnected with people they knew when they were 18 to 22. Some even reported reuniting with childhood friends.
When they reunited, 37 per cent were in their 40s and 50s, 10 per cent were in their 60s and 70s and four per cent were 80 or older. In one case, lost loves who had been separated for 75 years were remarried on the woman's 95th birthday.
By 2005, when Kalish was in the second part of her research, she noted that two-thirds of her participants were having extramarital affairs - even the seniors. Often, these relationships started with people who were divorced or widowed, who then contacted old flames who were still married. But Kalish also found that seniors were more likely to feel guilty or shameful about seeking out an old love.
4. There is no biological explanation for the ``stickiness'' of first love.
There is no neurological or chemical chain of events that means there will always be a link between first loves, says Kalish. Neither is first love like ``imprinting'' ducklings, who become attached to their mother, or whatever moving objects happens to be closest to them in their first two days of life. If that were true, everyone's high-school sweethearts would be considered lost loves, and her surveys show that most people wouldn't even consider approaching their first romantic partners. There are a lot of teen couples who get married and then divorce, she points out.
Kalish has a simpler explanation. Reunions are most often successful if the couple was together during their formative years, if they dated a year or more, and had shared experiences, such as school or a circle or friends. Some of her rekindlers had reunions with old friends, not former sweethearts.
5. ``Puppy love'' can be real love.
Kalish advises parents against belittling teen love as ``puppy love.'' Many of her rekindlers broke up in the first place because their parents simply did not like the sweethearts.
``They were not in unhealthy relationships. Their parents had an unhealthy confusion of love and sex, worried that their teens' love had to be sexual,'' says Kalish.
Parents also tend to believe in the myth that teens should play the field, she says. But people don't learn intimacy by walking away and finding a ``better'' partner. ``That way, no one satisfies them, ultimately.''
Her advice: Unless the teen's sweetheart is abusive or dealing drugs, leave him or her alone.
``Young teens should be able to go out in a mixed group without parents getting upset, and a preteen who says she is `going with' someone may just mean they hold hands in the hallway and walk to class together.'' ( Postmedia News )
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